if i ever wanted my soul to be broken ...

i'd want it to be done by journalism.

Published in the winter 2007 volume of Journalism History, "Depression, Drink and Dissipation" finds that almost half of the best people to ever push a noun against a verb in newsprint were debilitated by depression, serious anxiety, or bipolar disorder; over a third were titanic drunks, pill-poppers, or opium-addicts; nearly a third were serial philanderers, and a sizable bunch were misogynists, man-eaters, or violent bullies. In almost every case, the tendency to booze, carouse, or otherwise self-annihilate developed or seriously deepened during their days in journalism.

google elves must talk to the google monkeys more

i don't know a lot about computers and how the internet works and all that, but i have a way i like to think about it, especially about google.

in my mind, each section of google has different intelligent creatures (probably with opposable thumbs) banging away at keyboards making everything work. recently, my google mail alerts have been getting filtered out by the gmail spam colander.

what the hell. they are e-mails created by google, then filtered out by google. this is what we call inter-departmental communication breakdown. it's time to hire a consultant.

masturbation follow-up: HOT PICS! XXXXXX

i'm not actually going to post this girl's pic on my blog b/c even i have standards. but i will link it.

some questions. where was this girl coming from/going to in those shoes? i mean, where did she GO after she was through? wander back to EMU? it's not exactly close. why pike as opposed to all the other houses around? also, i remember pike having a long ass walkway up to its front door. imagine this girl stumbling up the brick path with just a coat right off washtenaw. the more i think, the more confused i get. PLUS, it was probably cold. she must have had a pretty sweet PCP-jacket on. i couldn't remember where pike was (1501 washtenaw, b/w south U and hill), but after looking it up it's really near where i use to live. figures.

anyway, while trying to find pike's address, i came across this:
Mission: Pi Kappa Alpha is dedicated to developing men of integrity, intellect, and high moral character and to fostering a truly lifelong fraternal experience.
Programs: Pi Kappa Alpha has set the standard for community service, philanthropy, campus involvement, athletics, and risk management and continues to lead the Greek Community in said fields.

risk management? like kicking tattooed, self-pleasuring hyenas out the door?

you know you've made it as a journalist ...

when your sources start compiling a file on you.

apparently an editor at wired magazine got his hands on the dossier microsoft's PR firm keeps of him. it's pretty cool (like seeing what kind of info the FBI has on you), but is more awesome b/c it totally validates this guy's existence.

i can only hope one day that some evil multi-national thinks i'm important enough to track and analyze. if we could all be so lucky.

"Tour organizers had said the concerts ... would go ahead without Dogg"

snoop dogg and diddy are canceling all their british tour dates because snoop couldn't get a visa. that's kind of funny in and of itself, but it's even better when the AP and US news write about it.

1. they refer to snoop as "dogg" in the story. i'm not really sure what ap style is on rappers' names, but i'm SURE this is wrong. the best rule for writing is to not let it be distracting. i'd say they failed miserably. "mr. dogg, would you like to upgrade to first class?"

2. "diddy" is in quotes in the headline. if "snoop dogg" is OK to stand alone, why not "diddy?" it's as if diddy is less real than snoop.

3. i bet snoop has a huge file with british FBI (MI-5? i think). put him up there with the UK's most wanted.

4. and the biggest absurdity of all. diddy is on tour? really?

michigan daily stories make it great to be a michigan wolverine

Masturbating trespasser booted from frat

"While fraternity members were eating in the dining room, a woman entered the house's living room, took off her clothes and started masturbating, said LSA junior Dan Nye, the president of the Washtenaw Avenue fraternity.
...
Fraternity members asked the woman to leave the house, but she refused and continued masturbating for about half an hour, Nye said.
...
The woman told fraternity members that her name was Melissa and she was a student at Eastern Michigan University, according to the police report.
Fraternity members said they will throw out two couches in the living room because of the incident, Nye said."

by far the best part of this story is that this woman said she went to EMU. as if that'd make it ok?

Bar fight leaves student in custody, cop bloodied

"Yops began yelling at a group of people that included football players Jake Long and Garrett Rivas, calling them "third-string English majors," Peters said."

i can't say anything more about these stories that haven't been taken care of in the comments sections. i love community journalism/commentary.

the running of the yuppies

after making the unwise decision to go drink and watch the georgetown game in georgetown, i got to witness the euphoria of victory mixed with youthful exuberance mixed with beer all neatly dressed in pearls and popped collars.



lamest riot ever

i saw "sobriety" in my news feed and thought that would be a funny story.

boy was i wrong.

"From sobriety, an ugly secret emerges:
Drink couldn't make a man forget what he had done to an O.C. woman in 1987. Eventually his conscience drove him to a life-altering decision."

damn, my dreams dashed

gisele isn't expecting :(

michigan sperm is awfully potent

rumor has it that tom brady has gotten his gf gisele (yes, that gisele) preggers.

this is extra awesome because he is already expecting - with bridget moynahan, his ex.


i can only pray to god that this rumor is 100% true. what great publicity for the university of michigan. and imagine the drama that could emerge in 20 years or so. 2 athletically inclined sons? the favorite at michigan and a prodigal child at OSU? or maybe they'll co-exist ala one tree hill. maybe they'll be slutty girls ready to put the hilton sisters to shame. the possibilities are endless.

here's to hoping.

what the world needs right now: heroes in a half shell

TMNT opens friday. this is exciting because:

1. TMNT is one of my original sci-fi-ish obsessions. that and cartoon x-men. takes me WAY back. go ninja go ninja go.
2. sarah michelle gellar is the voice of april o'neill
3. patrick stewart and laurence fishburne

that means ... buffy + star trek + matrix = TMNT. best math of my life.


i have no idea what the plot of this movie is, but by the logic from above, it HAS to be good. the question is where's shredder, bebop, rocksteady, the brain, and even that weird bunny rabbit that traveled in time in that subway car with the turtles that one episode. i think he was a recurring character too.

feel free to discuss your most vivid TMNT memories in the comments below

as self-hating as i am, i like to talk about asians a lot

nytimes reports that people with musical training have an easier time learning mandarin chinese. the next obvious step for this study is to see if knowing chinese gives you musical skill. it might explain 1) why the troy high symphony orchestra was dominated by my slanty-eyed kin and 2) why i wasn't very good at the cello (call me EFOL - english as a first and only language).

also, i just watched gwen stefani's sweet escape video and am just now annoyed by her use of mousey japanese girls in every video she's made since she discovered japan.

i know this is soooo 2 years ago, but salon describes exactly what i feel without me having to describe anything. an excerpt:

Stefani has taken the idea of Japanese street fashion and turned these women into modern-day geisha, contractually obligated to speak only Japanese in public, even though it's rumored they're just plain old Americans and their English is just fine. She's even named them "Love," "Angel," "Music" and "Baby" after her album and new clothing line l.a.m.b. (perhaps a mutton-themed restaurant will follow). The renaming of four adults led one poster on a message board to muse, "I didn't think it was legal to own human pets. But I guess so if you have the money for it."
Stefani fawns over harajuku style in her lyrics, but her appropriation of this subculture makes about as much sense as the Gap selling Anarchy T-shirts; she's swallowed a subversive youth culture in Japan and barfed up another image of submissive giggling Asian women. While aping a style that's suppose to be about individuality and personal expression, Stefani ends up being the only one who stands out.

the japanese girls remind me less of pets and rather the chorus in ancient greek plays. instead of chanting, they prance giddily, wave their arms frantically, or flash mysterious V signs for the camera (peace? victory? sorry girls, but we won the war)


and since they are around all the time, what kind finger signals are they flashing when they watch gwen and gavin bang out? when i think about it, they could use the V sign as well. sick!!

if i did asians

i'd do one that sang like this guy

so many hamburgers ...

yet so little computer repair.

did you know there are two fuddruckers in DC proper? i am in striking distance of the "world's greatest hamburgers," not to mention that five guys (aka zagat-rated famous burgers and fries) is 10 min from my house and another 5 min from work. that's a lot of mad cow waiting to be eaten.

lost in all this ground beef is the fact that there is NO APPLE STORE in DC. i have to go to (ugh) virginia to get my damn computer fixed when it breaks, which is often.

fuddruckers. really?

only in detroit?

the pastors from a church in the detroit area just gave themselves a $4m house. and let's not forget that $4m goes a long long way in SE michigan.
even worse is that this house is tax exempt because it's a donation.
i have no words except that this is a crock of shit.

narcissism addendum

wanna know why we love ourselves to excess so much? our dumb parents.

Poll of college financial aid administrators from AllianceBernstein Investments

Parents have high hopes for financial aid:
· 87% of parents believe scholarships and/or grants will cover a portion of their children's undergraduate education expenses;
· 72% think their children are likely to have "special or unique" talents deserving of scholarships.

But, according to financial aid administrators, many parents will be in for a rude awakening:
· Nearly all aid administrators surveyed (97%) believe parents have a false sense of security that colleges will help them take care of the costs;
· 92% of financial aid administrators say parents overestimate the amount of scholarship money their children will receive.

NEWSFLASH! your child is not special. likely he is average. maybe above average.

i'd like to conclude with a sage quote from "the incredibles."

Dash: But Dad always said our powers were nothing to be ashamed of, our powers made us special.
Helen: Everyone's special, Dash.
Dash: Which is another way of saying no one is.

PI DAY

The mathematical constant π is an irrational real number, approximately equal to 3.14159, which is the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter in Euclidean geometry, and has many uses in mathematics, physics, and engineering. It is also known as Archimedes' constant (not to be confused with an Archimedes number) and as Ludolph's number.

today is a day dedicated to circles. unfortunately, i don't really like circles. i'm more of a square/rectangle sort of person. the problem with circles is that when you put a bunch of them together, there is no way to make them line up w/ out overlap or empty space. it's infuriating and highly inefficient.

in honor of this hallowed annual event, i think i will eat square pizza. mmm pizza.

ouch

since i injured myself, blogging has become more difficult. the mouse i on the left side and i can only use one finger on my right hand to type. woe is me and also the rest of the blogging community who has come to live and die by my razor sharp wit.

dear the guy who invented post-it notes

you're probably dead, and you're probably not romy (or was it michelle) in that fantastic movie starring lisa kudrow, but i have a request. the sticky part of the post-it needs to be stickier. i have dreams of becoming an important journalist, looking at my computer screen decked with mini post-its all over the frame reminding me of important interviews or potential story ideas. instead, i have 4 scattershot pieces of paper actually stuck on the screen and a mess of yellow paper all over the front of my desk. and what do i do when i need to write a note to myself and bring it with me? i write it on a mini postit, stick it on my notebook, then tape it on for extra security.

i do, however, find this shade of yellow quite soothing. nice work.
(no, i did not doctor my workspace. i took the photo as is.)

law and order starring gilbert arenas

is it just me or does agent zero from the washington wizards look just like jesse l. martin of law and order and rent fame?



omg they even have the same beard.

btw, jesse l. martin is going to play marvin gaye in "sexual healing," a film coming out sometime this year. can't wait, it's gonna be the next "ray."

midland, MI = no violence. ever.

a dude goes ballistic and shoots his ex, then himself. there is no joke in the story, but a tiny absurdity in the news story.

"Students expressed shock and disbelief that a shooting would occur at a school virtually free of violence."

right, and they have rivers of chocolate and cotton candy clouds.

harry potter is sort of hot ....

daniel radcliffe is doing some stagework. and he's naked and buff. and sort of really good looking.


here's a non-pornographic but still shocking shot of him. check out the slideshow, but try not to do it at work with your boss behind you.

is it just wrong to be thinking such things?

student government in college is really important

since i can't make this any funnier, i'm stealing from elizabeth green's blog (she is an esteemed colleague.)

"A planned question-and-answer session with student candidates at Indiana University yesterday attracted no students who weren't running for office. And only three of the four candidates showed up."

i'm not sure if MSA was ever this pathetic, but who knows.

are you calling me fat?

because i read books?
"Critics denounce Pizza Hut reading program"

apparently people don't like kids being rewarded with pizza hut pizza for reading books.

what's really going on here is that these critics are superficial bimbos who want the world to be stupid and skinny. bitches. i'm sorry i don't want to join your club. please pass the meatlovers and the dostoevsky.

room with a view

so i almost have a window office. if you stand at a certain angle, you can look out my window, into the office across the hall and out the window of that room. and what's there to look at? the 4th floor of the foundry building. but i think my view from my desk is the best in the house.



it's a u.s. news magazine cover from june 6, 1992. the subhed is "the new view of what's normal and what's not"

are they trying to tell me something?

ann coulter: richest bitch in the land

ann coulter said something radical again, and people are in a huff. now please tell me a story i haven't heard before.

i did, however, find this comment funny:

"I still can't figure out why the abominable scarecrow is given airtime . She should have been relegated to obscurity years ago. I guess it takes conservatives longer to figure out that someone is a liability to their cause."

while it's nice to think that by ignoring coulter, she will go away, many many many people read her books and like her. that scares me, and do i think that conservative figureheads denouncing coulter is going to make people stop liking her? not really. i have a feeling it works the other way around.

valerie plame: the movie

i'm not sure how interesting a valerie plame movie would be, but i completely agree w/ the blogger here that kyle chandler should play joe wilson. friday night lights is great, and have i ever told you the story about how i saw joe wilson in his boxers? ask me how!

australian state wins prize for most off-base reaction to bullying

after a gang of guys beats up a girl and posts their triumph on youtube, the state bans youtube from all schools, citing it as a partial reason for the attack.

"The state government "has never tolerated bullying in schools and this zero tolerance approach extends to the online world," Allan said.
"All students have the right to learn in a safe and supportive learning environment -- this includes making students' experience of the virtual world of learning as safe and productive as possible," she said.

while we're at it, i bet these boys used their hands and feet to carry the beating out. therefore i propose we cut off all the limbs of boys to create a safe and productive environment. how say we?

what is going on here, exactly

anyone want to chime in with a theory of why stories of women teachers having sex with their students are in the news all the time?

i bet if you look at numbers of sexual abuse, male adult with female child is much much more common. but i guess b/c this goes against the nurturing woman stereotype, it's big news. or maybe it's because it's school, where students are supposed to be "safe" (HAH!) or maybe it's just another excuse to get pictures of cute women in the papers ala lacey peterson.

i love the smell of fresh desperation in the air

so a bunch of presidents of universities in Michigan got together and decided to whine about how they need more money. the "big three" (totally jinxing those schools right now) need more money to stay in the game and help the state, but small schools don't want to be cut out. wah wah wah.

(Michigan State's Lou Anna) Simon said the three universities are looking for appropriations that "match the contribution that we make to the state of Michigan, and also try to assure that we remain internationally competitive."

1. what an elitist bitch
2. girl, you do realize you're from michigan state?
3. you sort of look like a man. you're name is lou. sucks.