only OK if you're spelunking

if the day comes when i start to think that wearing one of these while i take a nighttime stroll is OK, please, take it off my head and beat me with it.



no, i would not like to be the woman in my subdivision powerwalking with a forehead-mounted flashlight. is it so hard to just carry a regular one? or walk in the day? to make matters worse, her husband was with her. i mean, one person is a mistake, two people walking around with that thing strapped on is a travesty.

face for radio

both the best and worst thing about talk radio or podcasts is the anonymity of their speakers. best because it allows me to glamorize the faces behind the voices. i can let my imagination run wild and really create an image just from talking. the worst is when you actually look at the faces behind the voices. talk about a fantasy dashed.

case in point: one of the commentators on one of my favorite podcasts. she sounds cute and bubbly and ditzy. she sounds like this:

from what i could tell, she was cute, maybe not hot, but cute.
the reality:

yikes!

in other talk radio commentary. i LOVE npr's science friday. my favorite is when host ira flatow just rips into the token anti-science pundit. (for instance, in the discussion of global warming legislation in cali, he just rips into the pro-industry mouthpiece who was just thrown to the wolves). love it when ira sounds super pissed. such passion. so hot.

here's what he looks like, for the record:

look how manly.

don't hate to see you go, ms. flow

a birth control pill that would get rid of your period indefinitely? amazing.

the story says: "But in the end, for reasons both medical and cultural, it's not clear that putting the kibosh on the curse is a good idea."
how wrong you are ms. richards. if my connection to women has something to do w/ monthly anemia, then i think i'll hang w/ the boys.

some would have us believe jim tressel is a woman

i thought i had seen one of the most clever michigan football shirts EVER when i saw the "tressel drinks wine coolers" one.

but then, along came "tressel wears uggs," which is about 20 times better. not only does it argue that tressel is quite girly, but it also points out that he has terrible fashion sense. all this proves that ohio sucks.

brownie the cow

i have no funny comment b/c the whole thing is too ludicrous in the first place.

the nytimes story and the parents' site.

why couldn't they publish about real sports?

you be the judge, should i work as a "book compositor" (whatever that is) for a sports press company that focuses on cycling, marathon running and skiing (all sports i have absolutely no interest in) and publishes titles such as, "Deadroll: A Cycling Murder Mystery?"

i'm leaning toward no, but then again, i might start drafting my cover letter tomorrow.

clinique's skeet

in bob herbert's incoherent rant about misogyny in the new york times the other day, he mentions the pervasive "disrespectful, degrading, contemptuous treatment of women." while i don't necessarily disagree, he cites a particular advertisement for a beauty product.
"An ad for Clinique moisturizing lotion shows a woman’s face with the lotion spattered across it to simulate the climactic shot of a porn video."

what? porn? there is a clinique ad that looks like a chick just got the money shot? so i searched for it.

the results:



for the record, i googled "clinique money shot" in the images section to find this. and i have to say, this is a very ineffective ad. Adrants says it even better.

i also feel like eating banana pudding right now. gross? probably.

the toilet enterprise?

on journalismjobs.com, there is a posting for a position at the "los banos enterprise."

i thought it was a joke. apparently, it's only a joke for people living in los banos, CA. i can't imagine their property values are very high.

Buenvenidos a miami

when i think "miami hurricanes football," rarely do "clean" or "respectable" come to mind.

yesterday's brawl, chockful of kicking, helmet hurling and takedowns, is further proof. add on the whole 7th Floor Crew scandal, and them not being especially good, i'd say they have a problem.

i've figured out what that problem is, and it's been staring everyone in the face: their coach's name is Larry COKER. hello! what do you think he does in his spare time? the name is practically mocking his players, goading them to do naughty things.

the solution: rename himself "larry anti-sanctions." or at least change it to something more trendy. larry crystal meth-er.

Facebook status

does it bother anyone else that in the "status" option of facebook you have to write a sentence that starts with "Alison is" or whatever your name is. what if "is" isn't the verb i want? what if i "want" or "like" something? facebook, take these shackles off!

hbo shows + dad = uncomfortable

i watched HBO's "Rome" with my dad last night, and i have to say that the scene (scenes) with the naked girl riding on top of the naked guy screaming and moaning and bouncing all over the place made me squirm a little. don't get me wrong, i like my sex scenes just fine, but with my dad? ugh.

but everyone has that movie moment with their parents that they wish they could take back. or maybe several. the first one i remember was watching waterworld when i was 11. i don't even think there was sex, just a naked chick. i remember wanting to run and hide. maybe it was my subconscious telling me that it was a god-awful movie. i was just too young to know it at the time.

founder vs flounder - no, not the fish

word is, i used to copy edit things, and was pretty good at it. and now, i rant.

founder means: to fall or sink down, as buildings, ground, etc. OR to become wrecked; fail utterly:
on the other hand, flounder means: to struggle clumsily or helplessly

see the difference? the two are mercilessly interchanged, and it needs to stop.

perhaps the reason this mix up especially bothers me is that whoever says these words is clearly trying to show off and sound smart, when in fact, he is an idiot. sure, mixing up that/which is annoying. however, it is SO pretentious and almost always unnecessary to say flounder/founder.

now, i will nonsensically use the words in a sentence. notice the nuance infused in my adverbial choices. also, "adverbial" might not actually be a word.
so as these morons flounder pathetically and founder miserably in their attempt to feign intelligence, i deem myself founder of the flounder appreciation society. eat up!

elephants? for real?

a quick question:

why has a story on elephant aggression been one of the top e-mailed stories on the new york times website for the past couple days? do people really care about elephants that much? i mean, i understood that one "shamu saved my marriage" article holding the world record for this because 1. it was short, and 2. it was about people and their emotions ... but this is seriously about elephants and poaching and who knows b/c it is too friggin ridiculously long to read. 10 pages! wtf! elephants!

from man-boy to man

remember when leonardo dicaprio was the ultimate teenbop coverboy?



romeo? jack dawson? no longer.
fastforward 10 years (10 years!) to the departed and cutie leo oozes brooding machismo, which is so much better than iambic pentameter. the departed has made me a leo believer.
now i understand why giselle is banging him.
is that vulgar?

not to mention the movie is friggin great. based in bahston. makes me almost nostalgic. almost.

where do people go when they die?

if you're some people, you become a "LifeGem."

according to the website, "The LifeGem is a certified, high-quality diamond created from the carbon of your loved one as a memorial to their unique life."

basically, they cremate you, extract the carbon from the ashes, put the carbon under super high pressure for a couple days, form a diamond, slap some princess cut on it, set it, and hang it on a pendant. now your loved ones can wear you on their neck for the rest of their lives. and if you don't like that drab yellow color that humans apparently create, you can splash some boron into the mix and turn it blue. oh the fun!

if all of a sudden i started liking animals ...

i might like this one.
then again, it could never poop, pee, scratch, shed or spit up furballs. it would also be nice if it showered often and wiped its feet at the door.

no more tv ... sort of

so i've been told my blog is no longer any good b/c i talk about tv. unfortunately, that's really the only thing going on in my life right now. i will work harder at improving my behavior.

veronica mars!

after months of eager anticipation. VM is back. notes on the episode

1. they mention battlestar galactica, which basically is the best thing ever. combining my two current favorite shows in one.
2. logan and veronica back together. nice.
3. does anyone remember the show "life as we know it?" you know, the one w/ kelly osbourne. the one that was so dreadful it lasted for 4 epsidoes, 2 of which i actually watched. anyway, ms. osbourne's bf on that show is now on VM as a potential love interest. too bad he looks exactly the same, w/ weird shaggy hair and mopey face.

other TV notes:

1. still not enough munch and finn on SVU.
2. L&O:CI was great today. it's really underrated
3. friday night lights is really good. so far, i like it better than studio 60 and kidnapped all those other over-hyped NBC shows.
4. i caught a bit of ABC's brothers and sisters. the prodigal son is pretty hot, even though calista flockhart has gotten no less annoying. i will perhaps catch another episode ... i was too distracted by an SVU marathon to pay close enough attention
5. six feet under is now on bravo - i didn't realize how funny it was. but i do wish peter kraus was still on sports night.
6. i also caught an episode of bones, w/ david boreanaz formerly known as angel: tortured vampire. i liked it and now i wonder why i never watched it before. i blame it on the daily.
7. and now i rant about studio 60. if you ask me, this show is much too slick. i'm hanging on, still, but it's a bad sign if i haven't fallen head over heels by the third episode.
8. did i mention battlestar galactica rocks my socks? i can't stop thinking about it. which means it's basically turned into an obsession. it probably ranks in my top 5 favorite tv shows, ever. that's heavy shit, right there.

slap that bitch, as long as that bitch is your child

sometimes, a smack in the ass is the only thing that works.

my parents corporally punished me, and i turned out OK.

HP chairman steps down after fashion faux pas

who cares if she spied on her board and may have sanctioned illegal activities. those socks are pretty illegal too.
wow.