chasing/vandalizing cars

my whole world has been rocked by a revelation from ben.
Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" is about a DOG. think about it. only dogs chase cars.
i really really liked this song. it made me all wistful. but now, i can only think of dogs, and i really don't like dogs.

if you don't believe me, check out these lyrics:

"If I lay here/If I just lay here/Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"
you have to imagine a big golden retriever all nuzzled with its owner

"I don't quite know/How to say/How I feel"
that's because you don't speak dog.

"Forget what we're told/Before we get too old/Show me a garden that's bursting into life"
of course he's worried about getting old. dog years! and that garden is where poochie buried his bone.

on an unrelated note, but oddly related, here's a little story from "the mall adventures of ali"

i was parked in a typical suburban parking lot. i get back to the car, and this dumbass odyssey is parked with its front fender facing mine (nothing unusual). until you get closer and realize that the fender isn't just facing, but it's touching.

for some reason, this INFURIATED me. i mean, if you're a bad enough driver that you're going to hit my car while going FORWARD, then you can at least back up 2 inches to pretend you didn't hit my car. not surprisingly, this woman had huge scrape marks on both sides of her front fender, as if she clipped a couple cars (i repeat, ON BOTH SIDES) while trying to get out of a parking spot.

now you'll notice that i've already determined that the driver of this minivan is a woman. i'll say it, only a woman could do this much damage to her car, and only a woman would bump fenders and NOT move back. she probably didn't even know.

but the REAL point of this story is to tell you how hilarious i am. b/c instead of just shrugging it off (remember, i was infuriated), i wrote a friendly note and left it on her windshield. it went something like this:

"wow. you must be the worst driver ever. thanks for the tap on my front bumper. p.s. nice work on the sides of your fender. bitch."

ok, so i didn't actually write "bitch" b/c i was worried it was an old chinese lady (which was likely). but in some ways, i really wish i did.,

did i watch heroes?

the short answer: no.

it looked too much like x-men or the 4400, and i didn't really have the patience for more of that. plus i hate ali larter, she's one of those girls that guys think is really hot, but if you ask me, she has the potential t get really fat in ugly in a couple years. i'm not sure who else quualifies in this category, but it now exists b/c of ali larter.

i did, however, catch bits and pieces of the premiere and an extended preview of the show. it's not what i thought, and i totally dig the comic book coming to life theme. like the upcoming movie with will ferrell having his life narrated by a book emma thompson is writing.

as for the 2nd ep. of studio 60, one huge problem was that closing scene that was supposed to be really really funny and save the show from oblivion ... wasn't funny at all.

in other news, i have a new goal to read at least 6 magazines a day. i have a HUGE backlog of newsweek, EW, popular science, glamour, lucky, cosmo, smithsonian and etc mostly starting in april '06, but i even found a newsweek from august 05. it makes reading much faster when you already know how everything turns out. imagine that.

las vegas

b/c i haven't heard anything from aspen, STILL, i've started looking at other job postings. las vegas magazine is looking for an editorial assistant, which could work out.

as research, i've started watching the TV show Las Vegas. Josh Duhammel is, like, so yummy.

next up, showgirls (the whole, uncensored version!) and world series of poker marathon. don't they have that on DVD now? and was striptease based in vegas? i never bothered watching it b/c i always assumed it was the poor man's showgirls. jessie spano always has my heart.

fall TV review

watched a couple premieres this week.

1. law and order: SVU - pretty psyched to see Star back, but i hate when elliot and olivia aren't together. the chemistry is what makes the show, and it's not even sexual. not really, anyway. plus, so not enough of richard belzer and ice-t. the angry jew and angry black man should get as much airtime as possible.

2. law and order: CI - i LOVE when cops go apeshit over bad stuff happening to their partner. and i generally love when goren goes apeshit. so when eames gets kidnapped and goren totally loses it, i'm in criminal intent heaven.

3. studio 60 on the sunset strip - typical sorkin so far, which is always good. familiar faces (felicity huffman!) don't hurt either. unfortunately/fortunately, matthew perry is still chandler, even though entertainment weekly said he was trying really hard to change it up. he is failing miserably.

4. random sitcoms i've seen - dude, the people from freaks and geeks are everywhere. nick is in how i met your mother, and the butch, blonde chick is now playing some ditzy girl on some terrible show. it was so terrible i didn't bother looking it up. whatever happened to linda?

5. kidnapped - so formulaic. they just needed to cue the cheesy three doors down song and call it a night. oh wait, did that already. the part that did pique my interest was leo, the son, and whatever he's doing when in captivity. i kind of hope he gets stockholm syndrome, identifies w/ his kidnapper, and then they make out. or however that works.

expect a very excited review of veronica mars on tuesday. I'M SO FRIGGIN EXCITED. the CW rocks my world.

Band of Brothers has changed my life

background: a 10-hour HBO miniseries on a unit of soldiers in WWII europe.

here's why my life will never be the same (and some of these ideas are cribbed from ben, my partner in dvd-watching crime).

1. i refuse to feel pain anymore - whether i get stub my toe or get smacked in the face, that discomfort can't compare to having your leg severed by artillery or having your whole face burned off by an exploding grenade. add the schrapnel and gunshot wounds - and the fact that most of these men dragged themselves to the medic afterward - i'm going to cut down on the complaining.

2. my life is so small and meaningless - difficult to explain, but basically, the moral of the story is that in war, you're already dead. if you survive, that's just a little bonus. besides, what these guys did, save the free world and all that jive, makes me feel pretty guilty.

3. i am 22, and am worthless - by the time these soldiers were 22, they'd killed more men than i've killed spiders. don't even get me started on how my life is going nowhere right now.

4. i don't know friendship - war creates ridiculous bonds. the closest i've come to war is daily elections, maybe jennifer clayton. i'm gonna go out on a limb and say those bonds formed don't really compare.

i'm done. this blog isn't really funny, so i'm going to stop. this is as close to introspective as you're gonna get.

the pluto conspiracy

it all makes sense now. the textbook makers totally set this whole "not a planet" thing up so they can force schools to buy new books for the students. obviously, this is to the disadvantage to the poorer, "more urban" schools, aka, it really affects black people, who will forever think pluto is in fact a planet. pluto is so racist.

also, remember that episode of saved by the bell where zach has to remember the 9 planets for that quiz competition, and screech teaches him that retarded mneumonic device? yeah, well they're going to remaster that episode because it's just plain wrong now. kind of like how they erased the twin towers from movies after 9/11

maxim vs stuff

so i'm looking at job postings, and there's this opening for online editor at "dennis digital." as the online version of dennis publishing, it manages the site of the parent company's magazines. these magazines include stuff and maxim.

now i always thought these two magazines were practically the same and were competitors. what separate markets are these two going for, exactly? can someone, someone who carefully reads maxim and stuff, tell me how they are different from each other to justify one company owning both? as far as i can tell, they both cover sports, sex, videogames, a small section of pop culture (re: family guy) and scantily clad women.

also, wouldn't it be kind of funny if i worked for them?

bible study update

this is infinitely more hilarious than my own post.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ladies_Bible_Study

who knew a ladies bible study could be so much fun?

it all started innocently enough. some girl sends out an e-mail inviting a gazillion people to a women of proverbs 31 bible study.

but then, IT starts. a girl asks to be taken off the list, then a dude, then another chick.

before you know it, you have 100+ e-mails flooding your inbox, most of which either say "PLEASE TAKE ME OFF THIS LIST, THX" or "DON'T REPLY TO ALL TO BE REMOVED FROM THIS LIST!!" the most hilarious part of the latter is that those douchebags had to reply to all in order to scold the other repliers to all.

for the record, the original sender, alicia michele morris, is an idiot. if you're going to e-mail that many fucking people (i'm guessing it's in the thousands), you better BCC those bitches.

for all my whining, there have been some very clever people out there, seizing the moment on their soapboxes. here are some highlights, in loose chronological order.

MICHIGAN WILL LOSE IF YOU KEEP EMAILING!
NOTRE DAME WILL DEFINITELY BEAT MICHIGAN IF PEOPLE KEEP REPLYING TO THIS. IF YOU LOVE MICHIGAN (OR GOD) PLEASE STOP REPLYING TO THE WHOLE LIST. GO BLUE

please remove me from this list. especially because i'm not a lady

Please take me off too... I'm atheist

(after about 50 emails) ... Do any of you know where I can find a Ladies' Bible Study?

72 emails have been sent since 2:12p on 9/11.
Any guesses on the total number of responses by Friday at noon?
The over/under is 120 emails. I take the over.
Thank you Alicia Michele Morris for all of this fun.

maybe if i reply-all, i will also be cool. it's become a herd mentality.
(2 minutes later, same guy) this one is just in case reply-alling twice will make me even cooler.
(and soon after, same guy again) while i'm here, can i just say that i've decided that coffee with 2% milk added is the best way to drink it. it adds some creaminess without making me feel like i'm getting fatter.

Today I was sitting at the union and the two guys next to me were talking about this e-mail, and it made me so happy that we all have something in common now. Wanna hang out next wednesday? We can call it "Ladies Bible Night E-mail Survivors" or something. My place!

subject: Reply-All Email Terror
"72 emails have been sent since 2:12p on 9/11." 9/11, A day that will
forever live in infany for my inbox

smartest. idea. ever.

a friend discovered the best way to eat oreos. i included some photos to explain.




and if you couldn't figure it out from that ...



spoons really are worthless.

"they ARE ants, michael. they are ants"

last night i watched the tigers get pummelled by the texas rangers 11-3 at comerica park. it was an ugly game to be at, especially if you stayed for the downpour that lasted the last 4 innings or so.

but lucky lucky me, i'm so bourgeoisie ... i watched from a 200-level suite behind home plate (is the behind home plate thing good? hells if i know). i was a pretty big deal, sitting w/ a hospital CEO and miscellaneous rich people. and i was dry. and i mock all those who scurried from their cheapo seats for cover. pathetic. plus, i got free food.

i mean, what kind of idiot would go to some sporting event, sit out in the open, get drenched, mull around in the stadium soaking wet for 40 minutes, remain cold and hungry - and still go back for more? must be a real moron.

btw. does anyone have tix to the notre dame game?

children and why you're better off w/ a houseplant

i think most women (and maybe men) feel it occasionally. little kids running around, being all cute. maybe stuffing their faces with candy or prancing about in batman costumes. it's just so deceivingly adorable that you want to create your own and live vicariously through them.

but then, reality sets in. you remember that babies puke, they cry, they poop.

and sometimes, they stand in front of you in line, with blonde ringlets drooping and overpriced shirt neatly tucked in. they look you straight in the eye and give you a little half smile as you wait for your medium skim cafe mocha. they jiggle a little, they grimace, they drop their sippy cup ... then they pee all over the friggin floor.

and then daddy dearest throws a pile of napkins over the mess and calls it a day.

note to self: use protection. every. time.

do thank you notes really work?

I just sent an assload of thank you e-mails to people i met at the magazine i just interviewed with. my question is, in a deep and philosophical context, do thank you notes actually help you get the job?

here's the thing, do recruiters or people in positions of power (i.e. those with the ability to hire me and then induct me into a system where i would be paid) actually think, "oh wow, this person sent a lovely thank you note. i think i'll hire her?"

if i were hiring, and i got a thank you note, i'd think something along the lines of, "what kind of kiss-ass nonsense is this? do you think that writing a thank you note is going to cover up the fact that you're a total imbecile?"

supposedly, they help the recruiters remember you - help you stand out in the crowd. but if you need to be remembered, you were probably pretty mediocre in the first place. and you'll probably suck at your job anyway right?

and what am i exactly thanking these people for? for taking time out of their day? for meeting me? isn't it their job? they're getting paid to meet me. why do i need to thank someone for doing their job? i'll thank the dude/chick when i get the friggin job!

in conclusion, thank you notes suck. but i will continue to write them. it's all part of the games we play. and i like games. especially pictionary and taboo.

fellatio and vincent d'onofrio

at the beginning of the night, i really really wanted to say something witty about the story above and about oral sex.

but then law and order and law and order: criminal intent came on, and i decided it would be a good idea to watch them on split screen, switching between the two among commercials. well, that went on for 4 hours.

and now my brain hurts, unable to comment on teenage pseudo-fornication. i believe i have truly failed you all.

are you still a rockstar?

because i'm definitely not. i remember when i was still a student at michigan (3 months ago!) and anywhere i went, i knew someone. i'm not gonna lie, it made me feel PRETT-Y cool.

but alas, no one knows me anymore.

being an alum sucks.

i heart aspen

i'm not going to blather on about how much fun i had in aspen. if you want to hear me sound like a 12-year-old, then ask me, but this blog won't go in that direction. but to give an idea of why aspen is now near and dear to my heart, i'm certain i met more people in my 2 days in aspen than i did in my 3 months in boston (not including other interns). it's just a really friendly place. and i got a lot of free shots at the bar, which is always a bonus.

even when it rained it was beautiful.

and no, this is not the elevation sickness speaking.